Your Friendships Are Investments.
Curate them accordingly.
“How many friends have I really got?
That love me, that want me, that'll take me as l am…?
The Who - How Many Friends (1975)
I have five close friends.
Five people I speak to regularly, go to for advice, confide in, share ideas and filthy jokes with, celebrate, and love.
Of those five friends, three have only known me on a deeper level in recent years. They have only seen the best of me. They weren’t around for the chaos and the darkness, and I like it that way. I like that our friendships are based on a more solid foundation - there is little chance of me changing my outlook to such a degree that our friendships fracture, and any growth in them I nurture and encourage.
Most friendships though, have an expiry date. Around seven years, to be precise. If a friendship survives seven years, it tends to endure - but not without work, alignment, and shared growth.
Imagine your life as a train journey, people get on at one stop, and get off at another, some people stay on the train for longer, some, if we’re very lucky, for the entire journey. And yet we cling to the idea that friendship should be permanent. That if someone drifts away, or if you pull back, something’s gone wrong.
It hasn’t.
There’s a hidden law underpinning every relationship: you become what you surround yourself with.
Everyone knows the blunt cliché: hang out with ten alcoholics in a room and you’ll be the eleventh. But contagion runs deeper than habits. It seeps into how you think, how you speak, even what you believe is possible for you.
Spend your nights with cynics and you’ll wake up cynical. Spend them with builders or creators and you’ll start building and creating.
Friends don’t just share your time. They script your behaviour.
That’s why fading friendships aren't always a tragedy. Sometimes it’s the healthiest thing that can happen. If your standards rise and theirs don’t, then friction inevitably follows.
The quickest way to lose friends is to start improving yourself.
A habit. A new boundary. A Change of direction. Suddenly the overlap, the commonality that held you together, just isn’t there anymore.
When you raise your standards, the people who stay the same can no longer meet you where you are.
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar told Time that there are seven areas of overlap that make or break a friendship: language, career path, humour, where you grew up, hobbies, viewpoints, and music taste.
Not every relationship will tick all seven, but the more overlap two people share, the stronger the bond. And that bond isn’t automatic - every friendship is its own living entity. It takes sustained effort, empathy, and time from both parties to keep it alive.
One of Dunbar’s key findings is particularly brutal: most people lose half their social network every seven years, trading old connections for new, contextually relevant ones. Which means pruning isn’t failure, it’s just natural turnover.
It struck me; we analyse careers, diets, even our morning routines. But when it comes to friendships, we just… let them happen. We treat them as entirely emotional. No structure. No scrutiny.
If your marriage is in trouble, you can go to couples therapy. If your business is failing, you can hire a consultant. Friendships? Nothing. Just vibes, mate.
We all know when a friendship isn’t working. We feel it pulling us down. The subtle resentment. Mannerisms and behaviours that we once found funny, now grate on us. The little pang of relief when someone cancels. But most of us don’t act until it's too late.
So we prefer to let old friendships rot in the background rather than pruning them cleanly. We endure instead of audit. We stay loyal because it’s easier and more comfortable than being honest.
But ignoring the audit doesn’t save you. It just guarantees entropy. The friendship corrodes, unspoken, until it breaks under its own weight.
I like to think of your friendships like a portfolio. Boring as that may sound.
Some are long-term investments. Some are high-risk bets. Some are dead weight you’re too sentimental to sell.
Every so often, you need to review the balance sheet. Ask yourself;
-Does this friend reflect the standards I want to live by?
-Do they bring me energy, or drain it?
-Do they help me grow, or keep me small?
If the answer keeps coming back negative, the decision’s already made.
There is a caveat to this - pruning a friendship doesn’t always mean a dramatic goodbye. Sometimes it just means lowering the allocation. Averaging down. Less time. Less weight. Just not a central holding in your portfolio.
Unfriending someone in real life is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary.
If you’re going to step away, do it cleanly. Be honest, direct, and kind. If possible, do it in person. Text or social media is easy, but face-to-face shows respect.
And when you walk away, don’t leave yourself with guilt. It’s pointless and unhelpful. Your circle is either fuel or friction.
Not every friend needs to tick every box. But most of us need a small, intentional mix:
The anchor - the one you trust, who’ll pick up the phone at 2am. Emotional support.
The aspirational - someone further ahead, whose example forces you to level up.
The challenger - the one who calls you on your bullshit, who holds you to high standards.
The adventurer - the friend who pulls you into novelty, spontaneity, stories worth telling.
If your circle doesn’t give you some blend of these, you’re probably stuck in either comfort or chaos. And both are costly.
Cutting is only half the audit. The other half is building. And that is equally important.
When you let go of old friendships, you create space for new ones.
The same way you design your health, your work and your habits - you design your circle.
So where do you look?
Shared direction. If you’re growing a business, join rooms where business is the language. Entrepreneurial circles aren’t just about tactics; they’re about being surrounded by people who understand the stakes.
Shared values. Politics, spirituality, activism - whatever your worldview, there are groups, forums, and meetups full of people who see the world through the same lens. It’s easier to bond when the foundation is already aligned.
Shared passions. Hobbies aren’t trivial. The gym, a book club, a football terrace, a photography class. You don’t need every friend to share your career, but you need at least some overlap in what you enjoy.
Local groups and clubs might sound obvious, but obvious isn’t bad - utilise them. Most people complain about not having the right friends while never making an effort to find them. If you want new connections, put yourself in environments that make them possible.
And here’s something to think about; online communities aren’t fake. Some of the most meaningful friendships today start on Discord servers, private forums, or niche Substacks. I had a friend for years that I met in a Call Of Duty lobby. The medium doesn’t matter. What matters is alignment. If you meet someone who shares your standards, your humour, and your direction, you’ll know instantly.
Proximity creates possibility.
protocol;
Write down the five people you spend the most time with.
For each, mark whether they encourage growth or resist it.
Ask: would I invest ten more years in this relationship if it stayed exactly as it is?
Decide: prune, hold, or double down.
Join one group, class, or community this month that aligns with where you’re heading, not where you’ve been.
Curate actively, not passively. Treat new connections like investments: test the waters, then double down only on the ones that compound your growth.
You don’t owe anyone permanence.
You owe yourself alignment and shared growth.
Friendship isn’t about sentiment. It’s about surrounding yourself with people who mirror the version of you that you’re building, not the one you’ve outgrown.
Most friendships will expire. A few will evolve. The rarest will endure.
The point isn’t to force them all into forever. The point is to know the difference, and to have the courage to act accordingly.
Because the wrong belonging kills identity. And the right circle makes you unrecognisable.
In the very best way.
Take care
- James
